Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Dear God,

Monday thru Friday I get up at 4:15am make and pack my husband his lunch, remind him if he has his keys, cellphone and wallet, before wishing him a good day at work and giving him his see you later kiss. And every Monday thru Friday I stay awake, not able to find sleep and just think about my angel my Emmaliese and everything that my family has gone thru. Usually I look at her pictures and videos that I have of her on my phone and then I listen to Pandora until I fall asleep. But this morning sleep just eluded me...I just couldn't sleep. And out of nowhere I started to cry and and I started talking to God. I told him that I accepted his plan,that he only gives you what you can handle. And that I hope I can handle what he has put in my path. That I accepted that he needed my angel, that it doesn't make me feel any better about having to say goodbye to her but that I accept it. And that I hope that one day I will stop asking WHY?Why me? Did I do something to deserve this? Was I such a bad person? Why didn't he listen to my prayers and  to take me. That both Emmaliese and Nathalia would still have a wonderful father and a great family and support system to take care of them. Why do this to my family? To my husband? who has always been such a wonderful person, son, brother,husband and especially a wonderful father. He loves his girls so much!! And would do anything for them! And why leave my princess Nathalia with the illusion, the wanting, to be a big sister. I know she is a big sister, that she loves Emmaliese but it breaks my heart to hear her say to us I miss my sister. This past Saturday on our way home from dinner, she asked us why her sister had to be and angel forever, That she wanted her sister to stop being an angel and to just be her sister. This is when I ask God WHY? Nathalia did nothing to deserve this pain, this loneliness. I tried my best to explain to her that once you become an angel you are an angel forever, but that Emmaliese would always be her sister and would always be with her. And that maybe in the future we would have another baby. And I was at a loss for words when she said, But mami what if this baby becomes and angel too and I don't get to be a sister again. I hope I get my answer. I hope, I wish and I pray that I will get the answer to the WHY and that even if I don't get the answer to the why, that I will at least be able to understand. Understand what I don't really know. But God please don't let go of my hand thru this journey that you have for me and my loved ones. Because they are now a part of this as well. And please God let Nathalia know the feeling of being a big sister, to actually protect, teach and be there for her brother or sister just like she was there for Emmaliese but this time for a long long long long time. I don't hate you God, and I accept your will at this exact moment I don't understand it because I don't know what the future holds for me, I don't know why I had to loose my daughter for...I can't really see in front of me for longer than a day or two. But I have faith, family and an angel to help me.

 I love and miss you Emmaliese and I hope, wish and pray with all my heart that heaven is exactly what we all think it is. You deserve that and so much more. May you always be happy and smile that beautiful smile that you blessed us with. You are loved always and never forgotten. Te amo con todo mi ser porque tu eres y siempre sereas parte de mi.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Dreams and Fear

During  Emmaliese's stay in the NICU and since her passing I have only dreamed about her 3 times. I wish that number was bigger.
The first time I dreamed about her was the night before we were going to say goodbye. For a few days before that night I kept telling my husband I keep having the same dream I just can't remember what it is. Well the night before I had the same dream and this time I remembered it clearly. It was my baby girl and she was happy!!! We were at a park and it was a beautiful day, sunny and warm with a light breeze and there were flowers nearby. I has holding her and she kept trying to play with my hair. I remember that my mom was with me and that we both couldn't stop smiling at her. I kept staring at her and even in my dream I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep her but that she was happy, healthy and in no pain. I remember very clearly her face. She had these big rosy cheeks and you could even see the happiness in her big beautiful eyes. For some reason I put her down and she sat up and was playing with her toys and laughing. And that's when I woke up. I woke my husband up and I told him about it and he said to me, that's her way of letting you know that she's okay and that she loves you very much.That she knows that we have to let her go. The next time I dreamed about her it was the night before her funeral service, my sister was nice enough and I can never tell her how grateful I am that she took care of all the arrangements for me. So I had no idea what what her little coffin would look like or what the flowers would look like. But I dreamed about all our family and friends gathering to show her how much she was loved and how much we love her. I clearly saw flowers on each sided of her coffin but I just couldn't see her coffin. The day of her funeral it was exactly like I had dreamed it, and as soon as I walked in the funeral home and saw her little white coffin I broke down and cried. My little girl, my Emmaliese was in there all dressed up. During her whole stay in the NICU she was only in a diaper I refused to let her go undressed. I don't have pictures of her in her last outfit and I didn't see her in her coffin or in her last outfit, I didn't think I was strong enough and to be honest I didn't want my last memory of her to be of her in her coffin or of her little body not the way I saw it last.Once again I told my husband that I had dreamed this day exactly like this. He just smiled and gave me a kiss. And the last time I dreamed of her was a couple of days ago, she was now bigger and still beautiful. Her hair had grown but she still had her pink bow on. And she would look at me and smile and when I said I love you so much Emmaliese and miss you like you have no idea, she laughed, waved, blew me a kiss and started to drift away. I told my husband about this dream too and he said that my dreams of her are her way of telling us that she's okay and that she knows we did all that we could for her. I hope that I will always be able to dream about her.

Emmaliese outfit. her grandpa, my dad made her the blanket
and the dolly was given to her my grandma, my mom. The bracelet
was given to her by Nurse Jackie and LPCH,
Nathalia and I also have matching ones.

Loved my so many.

Lately I have been having this tremendous fear of losing Nathalia. Dropping her off at Pre-school is like a mini panic attack. When I kiss her goodbye I want to hold on to her and never let go.What if something happens and I lose her? What if theres an accident and she gets hurt? What if someone takes her? I don't know where all these thoughts come from but I have been tempted so many times to keep her home with me. Maybe its because lately I have been missing Emmaliese more and so has she. For the past week Nathalia was told her daddy and myself that she misses Emmaliese so much. That she knows her sister is with her watching over her because she's her angel but that she wishes she would have her sister here with her to play with and to kiss her. Nathalia has been my anchor thru all this. She is what keeps me going and what makes me get up every morning. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. Or what would happen if I loose her. I have been blessed with two wonderful, amazing daughters. Emmaliese taught me to be brave and strong to see the beauty in everything.
Making cupcakes.She loves to bake.
Nathalia has taught me to keep going, to do the unexpected, to enjoy life. To just be.  Hopefully this fear will go away I want to enjoy every second of everyday with my family.
My Anchor

Friday, March 9, 2012

A few post in one

 My meeting with the support group went really well. It was nice to talk to someone who understands your feelings. And to just let the tears fall! Looing forward to the next one.

Yesterday Emmaliese would have turned 3 months and as more time passes I miss her more and more. Probably because at 3 months she would have been doing more things. We would have been able to see her being more active, starting to babble and make noises. We would have been taking her 3month pictures and also some family ones. I would have been recording her milestone  and as crazy as it sounds I would already be looking at ideas for her 1st Birthday. I can picture her chubby cheeks and all. With her head full of hair and with her bows. And those big beautiful eyes that were always looking at her surroundings. I can still feel her little hand holding my finger and holding on tight. I still ask Why? Why us? Did we do something so bad that we had to loose our little girl? It's not fair!!!! Not just to us but to her....she didnt get to expierence crawling, her first step. We didnt get to hear her call us Mama and Papa. She won't know what it feel like to walk on grass, to see and hear the beach, She wont get to taste her birthday cake. I guess if we look at the other side she wont know what pain is, she won't have any scraped knees, or be afraid of the dark, she wont know heartache. I know that she's in heaven and has everything she needs.I just wished that we had her with us. I love and miss you sooo much my munch-chicken.

Yesterday I also recievd a call from the genetics doctor, our test results are in. He didn't really explain them to us just said that both my husband and I both carry one gene of the Surfactant Deficiency and that as we had known Emmaliese got two of them and that is why she had the dificency. we have an appointment with him in May. Can you believe it?! we have to wait till May to actually know exactly what that means and get a full and complete explaination of the results! UGH!!! It felt like forever to get the results(even tho we got them soooner then we expected) And May is still so far away. But what else can we do but wait.

Monday, March 5, 2012

I'll take that as a sign.....

Today I recieved a call from my church asking if I would like to meet with a few mommies who in the past few days have gone thru the same sad, life changing situation that I have gone thru, they now have angel babies as well. I have always liked to help people and I am so thankful for this opportunity to help other mommies cope and go thru all the emotions and stages of grief. It has really helped me to talk about Emmaliese and to give everyone the chance to get to know such an incredible strong brave beautiful spirit. In my last post I wrote that I wanted to make both my daughters proud and when I got this call, it was like a sign telling me that I was on the right path in doing that. I want to help others who feel lost and hopeless find the beauty in everything. I want them to look at the memories that they have of their babies and for that to do what Emmaliese's memory did to me, she helped me find the beauty in everything! Ill keep you all updated.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Second guessing & Re-evaluating myself

This post has actually been in progress for a few days now, I would start it and then not really like where it was going. It felt like I wasn't really expressing what I felt and what I was thinking the right way. It all started with me doubting, second guessing my grieving process. I understand that everyone grieves differently yet alot of what I read had the same examples, people and even the packets that counseling centers sent me were expressing how they felt like they couldn't go on. That they were consumed with the pain and what not. How it took all their strenght to go on, to be able to wake up and function. To see the beauty that is still out there. If you know me or have read my previous post you know that I didnt go thru the typical emotions associated with lossing a baby. Here is where the doubt and second guessing begin, I didn't stop eating or lay in bed all day not wanting to go on, I didn't "lose it", I didnt get all hysterical when my precious baby took her last breath or even when they told us that we would have to say good-bye to her.
I didnt go thru step one-DENILE,  which alot of people say you go thru.(now don't get me wrong if you did then that was your grieving process, hench why I said everyone grieves differently)I know that my beautiful baby is gone, that she is the most beautiful angel in Heaven and that when I get the urge to be near her I can visit her grave and take her flowers (does this make me sound morbid?)
 I kind of went to acceptance. I am the type of person who needs to know and understand the process of things. When Emmaliese was in the NICU I would listen to everything the doctors and nurses told us and right away ask them questions if I didn't understand or had no idea what they were talking about and then I would get online and look it up and research the hell out of it, see this is where I learned way before the doctors/nurses actually told us what exactly Surfactant Deficiency was and that if Emmaliese did have this then unfortunatly her outcome wasn't very good.And I cried telling my husband what I had read. It didn't make it any less painful to have it confirmed by the doctors. But I guess in a way I had a little more time to process it all or at least to be at peace with what at that time I thought could happen but was wishing and praying would't. I alway try to look at the bright side of things or not dwell on the bad. Thats just the type of person that I am. I never for once thought I would lose my little girl, but the one time that she looked tired (after being told that she most likely did have Surfactant Def.) I told my husband that I didn't want her to suffer, or be in pain.That she was to beautiful and small to be going thru all that she was. That I would stand and fight with her as long as she did. But that I would also let her go if that was what she and God wanted.  You know the feeling of peacefulness that you get when you accept something or come to terms with it well thats what I felt when I told my husband this, even as tears were rolling down my cheeks.

So this brings me to GUILT. Now I know and understand that there was nothing that myslef or my husband could have done differently. That there was no way that we could have known about this disorder. But late at night when everyone is asleep and I just can't seem to join them the guilt creeps in. All the would haves, could haves, should haves start rearing their ugly heads. I wish I would have spent more time with Emmaliese, I feel horrible that she would be alone for hours with just her nurse ( she had wonderful nurses and I can't thank them enough). I wish I would have held her more times, or just held her for longer periods of time, 2-3 hours at a time now don't feel like they were enough. Maybe I should have had my OB due extra blood work I don't know my pregnancy was so normal and healthy I had no issues but maybe just maybe I should have just asked them too.I wished taht I would have thought to take her at least a side button shirt so that she wouldnt always be in just her diaper, at that time I just didnt think that with all the tubes and lines that was possible. I wished I would have been braver/stronger and spent more time with her when we took her off the ventilator. I started to get scared when she started to go rigid, I was afraid that I would somehow hurt her. The biggest regret/guilt that I have is that I didnt spend every waking moment with her. As of today I guess I feel guilt that it has only been 47 days since she passed away and I am able to function and do things. How could I be this okay when it has only been 47 days?

I guess we have reached the moving on stage. I don't know how much moving on I have actually done. I still look at her pictures and videos that we have of her, I say Good morning and Goodnight to her baptism dress that hangs in her side of our walk-in closet. I leave the light on for her in there as well. It helps me to talk about her and to educate people on what Surfactant Def. is. There are so many other lung diseases out there that I had no clue about. I know sometimes its hard for my family to talk about her with me I know that the pain is still raw for them, I just want them and everyone else to rememeber her as the happy baby that she was. I don't want them to cry when they remember her or if they do to cry I want them to be happy tears, because they remember her beautiful eyes and that smile that would always make everyone around her smile. Emmaliese never whimpered or made unhappy faces and I know that she would want us to remember her with smiles and happy tears not sad ones. I know that I still have tough times ahead, Easter is coming up and she wont be here with us, same for her sister's 5th birthday, and I know for a fact that Mother's Day and Father's Day will be hard for us. And then we still have Thanksgiving and Christmas and of course her birthday will be extra hard for us, I can already see that. valentine's Day and her daddy's birthday were very hard for me. But I think that by knowing that she is with us it will help. Just because she is gone doesn't mean that she can't be with us in spirit.

So now after writing all this it has made me re-evaluate myself. People have always said that I'm a strong person. And now especially because I went thru this and didn't fall apart I have been reminded again. I wish that I didn't have to loose my baby in order to be a stronger person but like a friend told me God has a plan, I'm not too sure what his plan is for me at this exact moment but I have faith and things happen for a reason. And who know what He has in store for me. The one thing that I do know is that Emmaliese has tought me soooo much. She is the reason that I am a braver and stronger mother, wife, daughter and friend. She is the reason that I go on, that I continue to see the good in things. That I always look for the rainbow after the storm. My little girl is all around me so the beauty is and will always be around me. I may have grieved her differently and not in the way that most people expected me to but I am at peace with it. I still cry but I will always cry because I will always miss her and will wonder about all the things I could have done with her.I will miss all the joys and not so joyful moments that we could have expirienced. Like I have always done I will look at the bright side of this (even if at times there doesn't seem to be any). My little Emmaliese made me a better person and I want to honor her and her memory. I am working on getting involved in ways to help other parents who have suffered a loss. My little girl, my angel will give me that extra push that I needed to actually do something with my life. I mean she has already started...I am blogging something that I never thought I would do. I always wanted to make both my daughters proud and  I hope with all my heart that I can do that. I want Nathalia to see me as a strong woman and to look up to me. And I want Emmaliese to also be proud of me, to look down on me and tell all her little angel friends "Thats my mommy". After this very painful loss I know that I can handle least I hope so.