Haven't really felt like writing much......but today after a quick trip to Micheal's I realized that I have a few project to do to keep me busy and to help me deal. So I present to you my To Do List/Projects:
1. Make final plans for Nathalia's 5th birthday Party- Last year my little girl was very into the Disney Princess, we went all Princess on her birthday decorations, cake etc......This year she wants, drum roll please.......Power Rangers Samurai. So I have to get on it since we only have 62 days till her party.
2. Emmaliese's shadowbox and scrapbook: I need to gather and organize all the things that I want to include in both....I have never done a scrapbook so any advice will be welcomed. I alreasdy saw the shadowbox I want just need to buy it hehe.
3.Nathalia's scarpbook: I already have the book and most of her pictures in order. Trying to fit from birth till now in one book. Will I be able to? Or I might have to seperate her 3rd birthday and baptism in one since we celebrated both together.
4. And last but not least get a new bedroom set and redecorate our bedroom. Paint and all.
This post is random for me......so to all who read my blog...please ask me frequently how my projects are coming along, I tend to put things off hehehe. Another random thought, while talking to my husband I told him I hate Sundays, see we said goodbye to Emmaliese on a Sunday but then it hit me Nathalia was born on a Sunday. What do you all think about that?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Last Few Days
These past few days my emotions have been all over the place.
Friday was the hubby's birthday and we all wished him a Happy Birthday with smiles and hugs. And during the day I was okay, but Friday started going down hill when he got home from work, I was tired both physically and emotionally and seeing him sitting at the dinner table by himself when he should have been surounded by his two little girls just broke me. And I lost it, I ended up crying my eyes out standing over the stove. And like the great husband that he is he came over and hugged me, he asked me whats wrong?What do you want? And I finally voiced it I said I WANT MY BABY!!! Its hard to celebrate something when your missing a part of you, especially on his birthday when its so close to our little girls passing. After a good cry I pulled myself together and went on with what was left of our Friday.
Saturday we went to my mother in laws for a birthday party that they threw for the hubby, it was their way of helping. They were nice enough to let us know that they know that we are still grieving and that they still feeling Emmaliese's loss as well, that they just want us to know that it was their way of helping us go on. We had a good time, we had cake and danced some. And it may have looked like I had moved on but Emmaliese has always on my mind, even as I danced or smiled or laughed, part of me was with my little girl, who in spirit was with us but I would have loved for her to actually be there. I would have loved to hear people oohing and ahhing at her, instead of looking at pictures of her and telling us how they wished there was something that could have been done. I think Saturday was more draining just because we were celebrating the hubbys birthday without her, it felt somewhat wrong for us to be having a good time with out her and especially since her passing is so recent. I know Horacio had mixed emotions, he was grateful that our family thought of us and wanted to show him that they care, and at the same time he was sad because he only had one of his two princess' there with him.I wonder how we will handle the rest of the birthdays, holidays, and other family events?
Sunday we went to my best friend daughters 1st birthday, and we were there for a little bit. One Nathalia wasn't feeling well. She had a slight fever and just wasn't in the party mood. And two I realized that I'm not as ready as I thought I was to be in a room where there are more than two babies.And where at some point even if they dont mean to an uncomfortable silence fills the room, it becomes the elephant in the room. But the time that we were there we had fun, it was nice to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while, it was just a little hard since most of them have babies. But I know that it will take time, and I'm grateful to have good friends who understand me and are supportive.
And last but not least Today.....Today the hubby and I made the same drive that we made for a whole month everyday and went back to LPCH....only this time we went to get our blood work, to see what mutation we have as far as Surfactant Deficiency goes. Emmaliese was diagnosed with Surfactant Dificiency ABCA3. They told us that we should be getting the results in 4 to 5 weeks. Once we have the results we will know what our chances are of this happening again with further pregnancies. Part of me was very anxious to get the blood work out of the way and now part of me is scared of what the results will say. I'm afraid that the test will show that we have a very high risk of going thru this again and that my dream of having more babies will have to end. I know I am probably getting ahead of myself but once you have gone thru what I went thru you tend to fear alot of things, and to be scared of alot of things.I hope 4 weeks go by fast.
Friday was the hubby's birthday and we all wished him a Happy Birthday with smiles and hugs. And during the day I was okay, but Friday started going down hill when he got home from work, I was tired both physically and emotionally and seeing him sitting at the dinner table by himself when he should have been surounded by his two little girls just broke me. And I lost it, I ended up crying my eyes out standing over the stove. And like the great husband that he is he came over and hugged me, he asked me whats wrong?What do you want? And I finally voiced it I said I WANT MY BABY!!! Its hard to celebrate something when your missing a part of you, especially on his birthday when its so close to our little girls passing. After a good cry I pulled myself together and went on with what was left of our Friday.
Saturday we went to my mother in laws for a birthday party that they threw for the hubby, it was their way of helping. They were nice enough to let us know that they know that we are still grieving and that they still feeling Emmaliese's loss as well, that they just want us to know that it was their way of helping us go on. We had a good time, we had cake and danced some. And it may have looked like I had moved on but Emmaliese has always on my mind, even as I danced or smiled or laughed, part of me was with my little girl, who in spirit was with us but I would have loved for her to actually be there. I would have loved to hear people oohing and ahhing at her, instead of looking at pictures of her and telling us how they wished there was something that could have been done. I think Saturday was more draining just because we were celebrating the hubbys birthday without her, it felt somewhat wrong for us to be having a good time with out her and especially since her passing is so recent. I know Horacio had mixed emotions, he was grateful that our family thought of us and wanted to show him that they care, and at the same time he was sad because he only had one of his two princess' there with him.I wonder how we will handle the rest of the birthdays, holidays, and other family events?
Sunday we went to my best friend daughters 1st birthday, and we were there for a little bit. One Nathalia wasn't feeling well. She had a slight fever and just wasn't in the party mood. And two I realized that I'm not as ready as I thought I was to be in a room where there are more than two babies.And where at some point even if they dont mean to an uncomfortable silence fills the room, it becomes the elephant in the room. But the time that we were there we had fun, it was nice to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while, it was just a little hard since most of them have babies. But I know that it will take time, and I'm grateful to have good friends who understand me and are supportive.
And last but not least Today.....Today the hubby and I made the same drive that we made for a whole month everyday and went back to LPCH....only this time we went to get our blood work, to see what mutation we have as far as Surfactant Deficiency goes. Emmaliese was diagnosed with Surfactant Dificiency ABCA3. They told us that we should be getting the results in 4 to 5 weeks. Once we have the results we will know what our chances are of this happening again with further pregnancies. Part of me was very anxious to get the blood work out of the way and now part of me is scared of what the results will say. I'm afraid that the test will show that we have a very high risk of going thru this again and that my dream of having more babies will have to end. I know I am probably getting ahead of myself but once you have gone thru what I went thru you tend to fear alot of things, and to be scared of alot of things.I hope 4 weeks go by fast.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
One month Angelversary
Dear Emmaliese,
A month ago today, you left us to be with God and all the other angel babies.
A month ago we held your precious body for the last time.
A month ago we saw your big beautiful eyes for the last time.
A month ago you smiled at us for the last time.
A month ago I lost a part of me, beacause I lost you.
And to me it feels like it was just yesterday and yet at the same time it feels like its been longer, I guess some days just seem longer, they run into eachother and I don't really see the difference between one day or another. Your daddy and I still havent been able to put your crib away, and its funny because we didnt even get to get a mattress or crib bedding for it. Its just an empty crib. In a way thats how I feel:empty. My arms are empty because I can't hold you. Empty beacuse I won't hear you call me mommy. Empty because I wont have any 'first' with you. I miss you so much it hurts. I don't really look at the pictures and videos that I have of you and not because I dont want to but beacuse I'm afraid that if I look at them to often I wont be able to get up and continue on with life. And you know I can't really do that, I have your sister to take care of, she misses you alot too. She always talks about you and when we go and visit you she tells you about her day. What she did in school, what she had for lunch. I love both you and your sister so much. Emmaliese I hope that up in heaven you are well taken care of. That you are able to feel how much you are loved and missed. You will always be a part of me, and everyone who was lucky enough to get to meet you. I want to thank you because everyone tells me how strong and brave I am and you know what I owe it to you. You tought me what it is to be brave and strong. You hung on to life for a whole month and one week. You fought a tought battle and gave it your all. you never gave up, you hung on till the very end when your body just couldn't take anymore machines, and needles and medicine. I mean how many people are on sedation and morphine 24/7 and still give the nurses a run for their money. I remember how even with a sedation drip they still had to give you extra sedation so you could go to sleep and let the ventilator due its job. Like nurse Helen said "Emmaliese is one tough cookie". And you were baby girl, don't you ever doubt that. Remeber you did pull out your breathing tube once. That was a scary time for me, I walked into the room with your sister to see you and all I see is nurses and doctors surrounding your little bed, thats when they explained to me that you had to be reintubated cuz you pulled your tube out! So I'm sure that your are giving the man upstairs a run forn his money too :)
Emmaliese I want you to know that Mommy loves you and that I will never forget you. I am so grateful for the precious time that I got to spend with you and for all that you tought me. Everytime I see the sun shine, see a flower bloom,the color pink, a rainbow, a butterfly, feel the wind, hear your sister's laugh, anytime I see or hear anything that is good and beautiful I will think of you. You are helping me to keep going and to see the good in life. Your memory will do that for me. I am blessed to have been your mommy. I love you Emmaliese, may you always watch over all that love you.
A month ago today, you left us to be with God and all the other angel babies.
A month ago we held your precious body for the last time.
A month ago we saw your big beautiful eyes for the last time.
A month ago you smiled at us for the last time.
A month ago I lost a part of me, beacause I lost you.
And to me it feels like it was just yesterday and yet at the same time it feels like its been longer, I guess some days just seem longer, they run into eachother and I don't really see the difference between one day or another. Your daddy and I still havent been able to put your crib away, and its funny because we didnt even get to get a mattress or crib bedding for it. Its just an empty crib. In a way thats how I feel:empty. My arms are empty because I can't hold you. Empty beacuse I won't hear you call me mommy. Empty because I wont have any 'first' with you. I miss you so much it hurts. I don't really look at the pictures and videos that I have of you and not because I dont want to but beacuse I'm afraid that if I look at them to often I wont be able to get up and continue on with life. And you know I can't really do that, I have your sister to take care of, she misses you alot too. She always talks about you and when we go and visit you she tells you about her day. What she did in school, what she had for lunch. I love both you and your sister so much. Emmaliese I hope that up in heaven you are well taken care of. That you are able to feel how much you are loved and missed. You will always be a part of me, and everyone who was lucky enough to get to meet you. I want to thank you because everyone tells me how strong and brave I am and you know what I owe it to you. You tought me what it is to be brave and strong. You hung on to life for a whole month and one week. You fought a tought battle and gave it your all. you never gave up, you hung on till the very end when your body just couldn't take anymore machines, and needles and medicine. I mean how many people are on sedation and morphine 24/7 and still give the nurses a run for their money. I remember how even with a sedation drip they still had to give you extra sedation so you could go to sleep and let the ventilator due its job. Like nurse Helen said "Emmaliese is one tough cookie". And you were baby girl, don't you ever doubt that. Remeber you did pull out your breathing tube once. That was a scary time for me, I walked into the room with your sister to see you and all I see is nurses and doctors surrounding your little bed, thats when they explained to me that you had to be reintubated cuz you pulled your tube out! So I'm sure that your are giving the man upstairs a run forn his money too :)
Emmaliese I want you to know that Mommy loves you and that I will never forget you. I am so grateful for the precious time that I got to spend with you and for all that you tought me. Everytime I see the sun shine, see a flower bloom,the color pink, a rainbow, a butterfly, feel the wind, hear your sister's laugh, anytime I see or hear anything that is good and beautiful I will think of you. You are helping me to keep going and to see the good in life. Your memory will do that for me. I am blessed to have been your mommy. I love you Emmaliese, may you always watch over all that love you.
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| Mommy loves you Emmaliese. |
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
Today is Valentine's Day and I can't celebrate it with you, at least not the way I want to. I have to settle for giving you balloons by placing them on your grave. I would rather be celebrating it with having you in my arms and placing kisses all over your cute little face. You are loved and miss so much! Happy Valentine's Day my sweet baby angel, I'm sure you are having a party of your own in heaven.
Last night I was in the kitchen and your sister came up to me looking sad and said I miss Emmaliese. It broke my heart! I picked her up gave her a big hug and told her that I missed you too, but that you will always be with us. That we have so many pictures of you and we have your doll, your lion that is still wearing its little bow, and blankets that even today still carry your wonderfull clean baby scent.And that you will always be with her, watching over her.
Later while we were all at the dinner table, you asked us all "Do you guys miss my baby sister Emmaliese?" Once again my heart broke. So today after I pick her up from school we are going to take you a balloon she really wanted you to have.
Today when your daddy was getting ready to leave for work he came into the kitchen to get his lunch and he gave me a hug and I broke down and cried. I miss you so much. After he left I went into our closet and sat down on the floor with all of your pictures and cried. I cried for what could have been. For all the holidays, birthdays and special events that I won't be able to celebrate with you. My arms litterally ached because I wanted to hold you so bad. Today everyone is celebrating love and friendships and you know what in my own way so am I. I celebrate all the love you gave me and not just the month and one week that I had with you but all the love that I will have for you and all the love that I know you have for your daddy, sister and me. You will always be LOVED!!!!!
Last night I was in the kitchen and your sister came up to me looking sad and said I miss Emmaliese. It broke my heart! I picked her up gave her a big hug and told her that I missed you too, but that you will always be with us. That we have so many pictures of you and we have your doll, your lion that is still wearing its little bow, and blankets that even today still carry your wonderfull clean baby scent.And that you will always be with her, watching over her.
Later while we were all at the dinner table, you asked us all "Do you guys miss my baby sister Emmaliese?" Once again my heart broke. So today after I pick her up from school we are going to take you a balloon she really wanted you to have.
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| To:Emmaliese From:Your big sister. |
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Two months and Today.
Two months, thats how old Emmaliese would have been yesterday.And I wonder if I had been able to bring her home how much weight she would have gained, would she be wearing 0-3 month clothes or would she be a big girl and be wearing 3-6 months. Would she be at her correct mile stones. Would she be awake the whole day and sleep at night or keep us all up at night. Would she have loved to be held or would she rather be in her bouncer. I guess those are things that I will always wonder. But I take comfort in knowing that my brave, strong little girl is no longer in pain and is in a better place with the most beautiful wings that anyone can imagine.
Today I recieved her death certificate in the mail.
And the sad/funny/weird thing is that I still haven't gone to get her birth certificate. I opened the envelope and read every single line and then I got to cause of death and read Respiratory Failure and Inherited Disorder of Surfactant Metabolism. Ever since we learned that our Emmaliese couldn't breath correctly I feel like I cant breath. I cant hold my breath as long as I could before. I make sure I tell Nathalia to take a nice deep breath and let it out when ever she gets frustrated. For some reason not being able to breathing has become this fear for me. I feel sufficated when people reach over me, or in a tight place. I freak out when Horacio playfully covers my head with a blanket, even writing about this has me breathing hard. I also feel guilt beacuse I didnt know that either myself or her daddy or both of us carry the gene that made her to have this problem with breathing.Its like I did this to her, how could I have not know that I have this gene that caused my baby girl so much suffering and in the end took her life.No one in our family has ever had this problem. Alot of people tell me that what happened is not our fault that we didn't know but as a mother I feel that its our job our duty to protect our babies. Its our maternal instict to know that something is not right. Part of me wishes that Emmaliese would have stayed insde my tummy forever that way she wouldn't have died. She was safe inside of me.
I didn't really know how I would react to seeing the certificate, I had never seen one. I wont lie it did hurt to see her name on it and to see her date of birth and her date of entrance to heaven. Its true what they say a parent should never out live their children not only beacuse its super painful but because they are just starting out and have so much to explore, see, and learn.
Part of me is waiting for her passing to hit me, and I mean really hit me. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother because I didn't get all hysterical when she passed or even when she was on ECMO.
I have read blogs and articles that have moms, dads, grandparents and they say that losing their baby was so painful that they didnt want to get out of bed, that they couldnt see the bright side of things. And I'm afraid because I didnt or at least I haven't gone into that side of things. Yes I cry, I hurt I have moments when I dont really want to go anywhere but then something will happen that makes me get out of bed, forces me to keep going. I will never forget holding my little girl for that last time or knowing that I will always have an angel watching over me and letting me know that its okay to go on. I guess in the end we all have our own way of grieving, it helps me to see at least one picture of her a day. And to tell her story, so I hope that reading what Emmailese went thru, what we as a family went thru helps at least one person who has lost a daughter, or a son, or a grandchild or any loved one. Take comfort in knowing that all of our babies are playing in heaven together.
Today I recieved her death certificate in the mail.
And the sad/funny/weird thing is that I still haven't gone to get her birth certificate. I opened the envelope and read every single line and then I got to cause of death and read Respiratory Failure and Inherited Disorder of Surfactant Metabolism. Ever since we learned that our Emmaliese couldn't breath correctly I feel like I cant breath. I cant hold my breath as long as I could before. I make sure I tell Nathalia to take a nice deep breath and let it out when ever she gets frustrated. For some reason not being able to breathing has become this fear for me. I feel sufficated when people reach over me, or in a tight place. I freak out when Horacio playfully covers my head with a blanket, even writing about this has me breathing hard. I also feel guilt beacuse I didnt know that either myself or her daddy or both of us carry the gene that made her to have this problem with breathing.Its like I did this to her, how could I have not know that I have this gene that caused my baby girl so much suffering and in the end took her life.No one in our family has ever had this problem. Alot of people tell me that what happened is not our fault that we didn't know but as a mother I feel that its our job our duty to protect our babies. Its our maternal instict to know that something is not right. Part of me wishes that Emmaliese would have stayed insde my tummy forever that way she wouldn't have died. She was safe inside of me.
I didn't really know how I would react to seeing the certificate, I had never seen one. I wont lie it did hurt to see her name on it and to see her date of birth and her date of entrance to heaven. Its true what they say a parent should never out live their children not only beacuse its super painful but because they are just starting out and have so much to explore, see, and learn.
Part of me is waiting for her passing to hit me, and I mean really hit me. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother because I didn't get all hysterical when she passed or even when she was on ECMO.
I have read blogs and articles that have moms, dads, grandparents and they say that losing their baby was so painful that they didnt want to get out of bed, that they couldnt see the bright side of things. And I'm afraid because I didnt or at least I haven't gone into that side of things. Yes I cry, I hurt I have moments when I dont really want to go anywhere but then something will happen that makes me get out of bed, forces me to keep going. I will never forget holding my little girl for that last time or knowing that I will always have an angel watching over me and letting me know that its okay to go on. I guess in the end we all have our own way of grieving, it helps me to see at least one picture of her a day. And to tell her story, so I hope that reading what Emmailese went thru, what we as a family went thru helps at least one person who has lost a daughter, or a son, or a grandchild or any loved one. Take comfort in knowing that all of our babies are playing in heaven together.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
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Sunday, February 5, 2012
A wonderful Father, A wonderful husband
For some reason today I just felt weird, and it wasnt until a few minutes before my husband, Horacio and I put Nathalia to sleep that it hit me why, see he asked me what was wrong, that today I looked sad. And yes I am sad, I have been sad since my little girl was in the NICU at both hospitals, since we had to make the decision to take her off the machine that was keeping her alive, since I held her while she slowing took her last breath and her heart had its last heartbeat, since we buried my little girl I have been sad even if it doesnt seem like it. But knowing that I have him to hold my hand, to hold me while I cry, to listen to me talk and talk and talk and make no sense, to have him help me take care of Nathalia, to wash the dishes, to clean our room, to just know that he knows what I am going to ask him before I even ask it has helped me be less sad. He has helped me smile and laugh when it hurst to, when it feels wrong to because we dont have our little girl with us. He has helped me feel okay about my feelings, that I didnt have a nervous break while our little girl was slipping away, but that I still cried everynight in his arms because I didnt want other to see me as weak or to feel sorry for me I didnt and in a way dont want people to feel sorry for me, see I was blessed to have had a daughter and I am now blessed with an angel. He understood and still understand my way of grieving. I have always been the strong one in our family, the caretaker and I felt that I didnt have time to breakdown while my little girl was so sick. I had to make sure I understood exactly what the doctors told me and to fully understand what was going on. I am very lucky to have him by my side. His birthday is coming up on February 17th, and I know that even if he acts like its no big deal he was looking forward to celebrating his 28th birthday with his two princess'. And in a way he will because Emmaliese will be celebrating her daddy's birthday with us from heaven. Horacio is not only a great husband, his not the most romantic guy but he defenitely has his moments, but also a WONDERFUL dad. He always puts Nathalia and even my needs before his. I remember a couple years back he only had one good going out jacket but he wouldnt buy himself another one because he would rather spend the mony on buying stuff for Nathalia and me. I literally had to force him to buy it.
I guess I just wanted to take some time and tell him and everyone that I love him with all my heart and that I am so grateful to have him in my life. I honestly don't know what would have been of me during this difficult time if he had not been with me. Horacio you are an amazing father Nathalia is sooo lucky to have you as her daddy, you have tought her so many things, have been there for her, and she always knows that you love her with all you heart. and I know that Emmalise felt the same way. She always knew when you were by her side, and she would look for you when she heard your voice and would always hold your finger.You showed her so much love and affection in that one month and one week that we had with her. She always knew and will continue to know that you love her and that she will always be your porcelain doll. Horacio tus dos hijas siempre van a saber que tu las amas, que son tu adoracion. Gracias por ser el mejor papa del mundo y el mejor esposo.
Thank you for making me feel okay about my feelings and for understanding me. Especially for loving me the way I am.
I guess I just wanted to take some time and tell him and everyone that I love him with all my heart and that I am so grateful to have him in my life. I honestly don't know what would have been of me during this difficult time if he had not been with me. Horacio you are an amazing father Nathalia is sooo lucky to have you as her daddy, you have tought her so many things, have been there for her, and she always knows that you love her with all you heart. and I know that Emmalise felt the same way. She always knew when you were by her side, and she would look for you when she heard your voice and would always hold your finger.You showed her so much love and affection in that one month and one week that we had with her. She always knew and will continue to know that you love her and that she will always be your porcelain doll. Horacio tus dos hijas siempre van a saber que tu las amas, que son tu adoracion. Gracias por ser el mejor papa del mundo y el mejor esposo.
Thank you for making me feel okay about my feelings and for understanding me. Especially for loving me the way I am.
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| Emmaliese and daddy |
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| Daddy with his girl <3 |
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| Nathalia and daddy |
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