Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday thru Friday I get up at 4:15am make and pack my husband his lunch, remind him if he has his keys, cellphone and wallet, before wishing him a good day at work and giving him his see you later kiss. And every Monday thru Friday I stay awake, not able to find sleep and just think about my angel my Emmaliese and everything that my family has gone thru. Usually I look at her pictures and videos that I have of her on my phone and then I listen to Pandora until I fall asleep. But this morning sleep just eluded me...I just couldn't sleep. And out of nowhere I started to cry and and I started talking to God. I told him that I accepted his plan,that he only gives you what you can handle. And that I hope I can handle what he has put in my path. That I accepted that he needed my angel, that it doesn't make me feel any better about having to say goodbye to her but that I accept it. And that I hope that one day I will stop asking WHY?Why me? Did I do something to deserve this? Was I such a bad person? Why didn't he listen to my prayers and to take me. That both Emmaliese and Nathalia would still have a wonderful father and a great family and support system to take care of them. Why do this to my family? To my husband? who has always been such a wonderful person, son, brother,husband and especially a wonderful father. He loves his girls so much!! And would do anything for them! And why leave my princess Nathalia with the illusion, the wanting, to be a big sister. I know she is a big sister, that she loves Emmaliese but it breaks my heart to hear her say to us I miss my sister. This past Saturday on our way home from dinner, she asked us why her sister had to be and angel forever, That she wanted her sister to stop being an angel and to just be her sister. This is when I ask God WHY? Nathalia did nothing to deserve this pain, this loneliness. I tried my best to explain to her that once you become an angel you are an angel forever, but that Emmaliese would always be her sister and would always be with her. And that maybe in the future we would have another baby. And I was at a loss for words when she said, But mami what if this baby becomes and angel too and I don't get to be a sister again. I hope I get my answer. I hope, I wish and I pray that I will get the answer to the WHY and that even if I don't get the answer to the why, that I will at least be able to understand. Understand what I don't really know. But God please don't let go of my hand thru this journey that you have for me and my loved ones. Because they are now a part of this as well. And please God let Nathalia know the feeling of being a big sister, to actually protect, teach and be there for her brother or sister just like she was there for Emmaliese but this time for a long long long long time. I don't hate you God, and I accept your will at this exact moment I don't understand it because I don't know what the future holds for me, I don't know why I had to loose my daughter for...I can't really see in front of me for longer than a day or two. But I have faith, family and an angel to help me.
I love and miss you Emmaliese and I hope, wish and pray with all my heart that heaven is exactly what we all think it is. You deserve that and so much more. May you always be happy and smile that beautiful smile that you blessed us with. You are loved always and never forgotten. Te amo con todo mi ser porque tu eres y siempre sereas parte de mi.