Friday, March 2, 2012

Second guessing & Re-evaluating myself

This post has actually been in progress for a few days now, I would start it and then not really like where it was going. It felt like I wasn't really expressing what I felt and what I was thinking the right way. It all started with me doubting, second guessing my grieving process. I understand that everyone grieves differently yet alot of what I read had the same examples, people and even the packets that counseling centers sent me were expressing how they felt like they couldn't go on. That they were consumed with the pain and what not. How it took all their strenght to go on, to be able to wake up and function. To see the beauty that is still out there. If you know me or have read my previous post you know that I didnt go thru the typical emotions associated with lossing a baby. Here is where the doubt and second guessing begin, I didn't stop eating or lay in bed all day not wanting to go on, I didn't "lose it", I didnt get all hysterical when my precious baby took her last breath or even when they told us that we would have to say good-bye to her.
I didnt go thru step one-DENILE,  which alot of people say you go thru.(now don't get me wrong if you did then that was your grieving process, hench why I said everyone grieves differently)I know that my beautiful baby is gone, that she is the most beautiful angel in Heaven and that when I get the urge to be near her I can visit her grave and take her flowers (does this make me sound morbid?)
 I kind of went to acceptance. I am the type of person who needs to know and understand the process of things. When Emmaliese was in the NICU I would listen to everything the doctors and nurses told us and right away ask them questions if I didn't understand or had no idea what they were talking about and then I would get online and look it up and research the hell out of it, see this is where I learned way before the doctors/nurses actually told us what exactly Surfactant Deficiency was and that if Emmaliese did have this then unfortunatly her outcome wasn't very good.And I cried telling my husband what I had read. It didn't make it any less painful to have it confirmed by the doctors. But I guess in a way I had a little more time to process it all or at least to be at peace with what at that time I thought could happen but was wishing and praying would't. I alway try to look at the bright side of things or not dwell on the bad. Thats just the type of person that I am. I never for once thought I would lose my little girl, but the one time that she looked tired (after being told that she most likely did have Surfactant Def.) I told my husband that I didn't want her to suffer, or be in pain.That she was to beautiful and small to be going thru all that she was. That I would stand and fight with her as long as she did. But that I would also let her go if that was what she and God wanted.  You know the feeling of peacefulness that you get when you accept something or come to terms with it well thats what I felt when I told my husband this, even as tears were rolling down my cheeks.

So this brings me to GUILT. Now I know and understand that there was nothing that myslef or my husband could have done differently. That there was no way that we could have known about this disorder. But late at night when everyone is asleep and I just can't seem to join them the guilt creeps in. All the would haves, could haves, should haves start rearing their ugly heads. I wish I would have spent more time with Emmaliese, I feel horrible that she would be alone for hours with just her nurse ( she had wonderful nurses and I can't thank them enough). I wish I would have held her more times, or just held her for longer periods of time, 2-3 hours at a time now don't feel like they were enough. Maybe I should have had my OB due extra blood work I don't know my pregnancy was so normal and healthy I had no issues but maybe just maybe I should have just asked them too.I wished taht I would have thought to take her at least a side button shirt so that she wouldnt always be in just her diaper, at that time I just didnt think that with all the tubes and lines that was possible. I wished I would have been braver/stronger and spent more time with her when we took her off the ventilator. I started to get scared when she started to go rigid, I was afraid that I would somehow hurt her. The biggest regret/guilt that I have is that I didnt spend every waking moment with her. As of today I guess I feel guilt that it has only been 47 days since she passed away and I am able to function and do things. How could I be this okay when it has only been 47 days?

I guess we have reached the moving on stage. I don't know how much moving on I have actually done. I still look at her pictures and videos that we have of her, I say Good morning and Goodnight to her baptism dress that hangs in her side of our walk-in closet. I leave the light on for her in there as well. It helps me to talk about her and to educate people on what Surfactant Def. is. There are so many other lung diseases out there that I had no clue about. I know sometimes its hard for my family to talk about her with me I know that the pain is still raw for them, I just want them and everyone else to rememeber her as the happy baby that she was. I don't want them to cry when they remember her or if they do to cry I want them to be happy tears, because they remember her beautiful eyes and that smile that would always make everyone around her smile. Emmaliese never whimpered or made unhappy faces and I know that she would want us to remember her with smiles and happy tears not sad ones. I know that I still have tough times ahead, Easter is coming up and she wont be here with us, same for her sister's 5th birthday, and I know for a fact that Mother's Day and Father's Day will be hard for us. And then we still have Thanksgiving and Christmas and of course her birthday will be extra hard for us, I can already see that. valentine's Day and her daddy's birthday were very hard for me. But I think that by knowing that she is with us it will help. Just because she is gone doesn't mean that she can't be with us in spirit.

So now after writing all this it has made me re-evaluate myself. People have always said that I'm a strong person. And now especially because I went thru this and didn't fall apart I have been reminded again. I wish that I didn't have to loose my baby in order to be a stronger person but like a friend told me God has a plan, I'm not too sure what his plan is for me at this exact moment but I have faith and things happen for a reason. And who know what He has in store for me. The one thing that I do know is that Emmaliese has tought me soooo much. She is the reason that I am a braver and stronger mother, wife, daughter and friend. She is the reason that I go on, that I continue to see the good in things. That I always look for the rainbow after the storm. My little girl is all around me so the beauty is and will always be around me. I may have grieved her differently and not in the way that most people expected me to but I am at peace with it. I still cry but I will always cry because I will always miss her and will wonder about all the things I could have done with her.I will miss all the joys and not so joyful moments that we could have expirienced. Like I have always done I will look at the bright side of this (even if at times there doesn't seem to be any). My little Emmaliese made me a better person and I want to honor her and her memory. I am working on getting involved in ways to help other parents who have suffered a loss. My little girl, my angel will give me that extra push that I needed to actually do something with my life. I mean she has already started...I am blogging something that I never thought I would do. I always wanted to make both my daughters proud and  I hope with all my heart that I can do that. I want Nathalia to see me as a strong woman and to look up to me. And I want Emmaliese to also be proud of me, to look down on me and tell all her little angel friends "Thats my mommy". After this very painful loss I know that I can handle least I hope so.


  1. Everything you said I can identify with. I especially like what you said about Emmaliese being with you in spirit. I feel the same way about my daughter. I think it gives me strength. This was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart. xo

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Your post and others have helped me so I hope that what I write helps you and others. xo