Dreams and Fear

During  Emmaliese's stay in the NICU and since her passing I have only dreamed about her 3 times. I wish that number was bigger.
The first time I dreamed about her was the night before we were going to say goodbye. For a few days before that night I kept telling my husband I keep having the same dream I just can't remember what it is. Well the night before I had the same dream and this time I remembered it clearly. It was my baby girl and she was happy!!! We were at a park and it was a beautiful day, sunny and warm with a light breeze and there were flowers nearby. I has holding her and she kept trying to play with my hair. I remember that my mom was with me and that we both couldn't stop smiling at her. I kept staring at her and even in my dream I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep her but that she was happy, healthy and in no pain. I remember very clearly her face. She had these big rosy cheeks and you could even see the happiness in her big beautiful eyes. For some reason I put her down and she sat up and was playing with her toys and laughing. And that's when I woke up. I woke my husband up and I told him about it and he said to me, that's her way of letting you know that she's okay and that she loves you very much.That she knows that we have to let her go. The next time I dreamed about her it was the night before her funeral service, my sister was nice enough and I can never tell her how grateful I am that she took care of all the arrangements for me. So I had no idea what what her little coffin would look like or what the flowers would look like. But I dreamed about all our family and friends gathering to show her how much she was loved and how much we love her. I clearly saw flowers on each sided of her coffin but I just couldn't see her coffin. The day of her funeral it was exactly like I had dreamed it, and as soon as I walked in the funeral home and saw her little white coffin I broke down and cried. My little girl, my Emmaliese was in there all dressed up. During her whole stay in the NICU she was only in a diaper I refused to let her go undressed. I don't have pictures of her in her last outfit and I didn't see her in her coffin or in her last outfit, I didn't think I was strong enough and to be honest I didn't want my last memory of her to be of her in her coffin or of her little body not the way I saw it last.Once again I told my husband that I had dreamed this day exactly like this. He just smiled and gave me a kiss. And the last time I dreamed of her was a couple of days ago, she was now bigger and still beautiful. Her hair had grown but she still had her pink bow on. And she would look at me and smile and when I said I love you so much Emmaliese and miss you like you have no idea, she laughed, waved, blew me a kiss and started to drift away. I told my husband about this dream too and he said that my dreams of her are her way of telling us that she's okay and that she knows we did all that we could for her. I hope that I will always be able to dream about her.

Emmaliese outfit. her grandpa, my dad made her the blanket
and the dolly was given to her my grandma, my mom. The bracelet
was given to her by Nurse Jackie and LPCH,
Nathalia and I also have matching ones.

Loved my so many.

Lately I have been having this tremendous fear of losing Nathalia. Dropping her off at Pre-school is like a mini panic attack. When I kiss her goodbye I want to hold on to her and never let go.What if something happens and I lose her? What if theres an accident and she gets hurt? What if someone takes her? I don't know where all these thoughts come from but I have been tempted so many times to keep her home with me. Maybe its because lately I have been missing Emmaliese more and so has she. For the past week Nathalia was told her daddy and myself that she misses Emmaliese so much. That she knows her sister is with her watching over her because she's her angel but that she wishes she would have her sister here with her to play with and to kiss her. Nathalia has been my anchor thru all this. She is what keeps me going and what makes me get up every morning. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. Or what would happen if I loose her. I have been blessed with two wonderful, amazing daughters. Emmaliese taught me to be brave and strong to see the beauty in everything.

Making cupcakes.She loves to bake.

Nathalia has taught me to keep going, to do the unexpected, to enjoy life. To just be.  Hopefully this fear will go away I want to enjoy every second of everyday with my family.

My Anchor