These past few days my emotions have been all over the place.
Friday was the hubby's birthday and we all wished him a Happy Birthday with smiles and hugs. And during the day I was okay, but Friday started going down hill when he got home from work, I was tired both physically and emotionally and seeing him sitting at the dinner table by himself when he should have been surounded by his two little girls just broke me. And I lost it, I ended up crying my eyes out standing over the stove. And like the great husband that he is he came over and hugged me, he asked me whats wrong?What do you want? And I finally voiced it I said I WANT MY BABY!!! Its hard to celebrate something when your missing a part of you, especially on his birthday when its so close to our little girls passing. After a good cry I pulled myself together and went on with what was left of our Friday.
Saturday we went to my mother in laws for a birthday party that they threw for the hubby, it was their way of helping. They were nice enough to let us know that they know that we are still grieving and that they still feeling Emmaliese's loss as well, that they just want us to know that it was their way of helping us go on. We had a good time, we had cake and danced some. And it may have looked like I had moved on but Emmaliese has always on my mind, even as I danced or smiled or laughed, part of me was with my little girl, who in spirit was with us but I would have loved for her to actually be there. I would have loved to hear people oohing and ahhing at her, instead of looking at pictures of her and telling us how they wished there was something that could have been done. I think Saturday was more draining just because we were celebrating the hubbys birthday without her, it felt somewhat wrong for us to be having a good time with out her and especially since her passing is so recent. I know Horacio had mixed emotions, he was grateful that our family thought of us and wanted to show him that they care, and at the same time he was sad because he only had one of his two princess' there with him.I wonder how we will handle the rest of the birthdays, holidays, and other family events?
Sunday we went to my best friend daughters 1st birthday, and we were there for a little bit. One Nathalia wasn't feeling well. She had a slight fever and just wasn't in the party mood. And two I realized that I'm not as ready as I thought I was to be in a room where there are more than two babies.And where at some point even if they dont mean to an uncomfortable silence fills the room, it becomes the elephant in the room. But the time that we were there we had fun, it was nice to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while, it was just a little hard since most of them have babies. But I know that it will take time, and I'm grateful to have good friends who understand me and are supportive.
And last but not least Today.....Today the hubby and I made the same drive that we made for a whole month everyday and went back to LPCH....only this time we went to get our blood work, to see what mutation we have as far as Surfactant Deficiency goes. Emmaliese was diagnosed with Surfactant Dificiency ABCA3. They told us that we should be getting the results in 4 to 5 weeks. Once we have the results we will know what our chances are of this happening again with further pregnancies. Part of me was very anxious to get the blood work out of the way and now part of me is scared of what the results will say. I'm afraid that the test will show that we have a very high risk of going thru this again and that my dream of having more babies will have to end. I know I am probably getting ahead of myself but once you have gone thru what I went thru you tend to fear alot of things, and to be scared of alot of things.I hope 4 weeks go by fast.