Two months, thats how old Emmaliese would have been yesterday.And I wonder if I had been able to bring her home how much weight she would have gained, would she be wearing 0-3 month clothes or would she be a big girl and be wearing 3-6 months. Would she be at her correct mile stones. Would she be awake the whole day and sleep at night or keep us all up at night. Would she have loved to be held or would she rather be in her bouncer. I guess those are things that I will always wonder. But I take comfort in knowing that my brave, strong little girl is no longer in pain and is in a better place with the most beautiful wings that anyone can imagine.
Today I recieved her death certificate in the mail.
And the sad/funny/weird thing is that I still haven't gone to get her birth certificate. I opened the envelope and read every single line and then I got to cause of death and read Respiratory Failure and Inherited Disorder of Surfactant Metabolism. Ever since we learned that our Emmaliese couldn't breath correctly I feel like I cant breath. I cant hold my breath as long as I could before. I make sure I tell Nathalia to take a nice deep breath and let it out when ever she gets frustrated. For some reason not being able to breathing has become this fear for me. I feel sufficated when people reach over me, or in a tight place. I freak out when Horacio playfully covers my head with a blanket, even writing about this has me breathing hard. I also feel guilt beacuse I didnt know that either myself or her daddy or both of us carry the gene that made her to have this problem with breathing.Its like I did this to her, how could I have not know that I have this gene that caused my baby girl so much suffering and in the end took her life.No one in our family has ever had this problem. Alot of people tell me that what happened is not our fault that we didn't know but as a mother I feel that its our job our duty to protect our babies. Its our maternal instict to know that something is not right. Part of me wishes that Emmaliese would have stayed insde my tummy forever that way she wouldn't have died. She was safe inside of me.
I didn't really know how I would react to seeing the certificate, I had never seen one. I wont lie it did hurt to see her name on it and to see her date of birth and her date of entrance to heaven. Its true what they say a parent should never out live their children not only beacuse its super painful but because they are just starting out and have so much to explore, see, and learn.
Part of me is waiting for her passing to hit me, and I mean really hit me. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother because I didn't get all hysterical when she passed or even when she was on ECMO.
I have read blogs and articles that have moms, dads, grandparents and they say that losing their baby was so painful that they didnt want to get out of bed, that they couldnt see the bright side of things. And I'm afraid because I didnt or at least I haven't gone into that side of things. Yes I cry, I hurt I have moments when I dont really want to go anywhere but then something will happen that makes me get out of bed, forces me to keep going. I will never forget holding my little girl for that last time or knowing that I will always have an angel watching over me and letting me know that its okay to go on. I guess in the end we all have our own way of grieving, it helps me to see at least one picture of her a day. And to tell her story, so I hope that reading what Emmailese went thru, what we as a family went thru helps at least one person who has lost a daughter, or a son, or a grandchild or any loved one. Take comfort in knowing that all of our babies are playing in heaven together.