Wednesday, February 15, 2012

One month Angelversary

Dear Emmaliese,

 A month ago today, you left us to be with God and all the other angel babies.
 A month ago we held your precious body for the last time.
 A month ago we saw your big beautiful eyes for the last time.
 A month ago you smiled at us for the last time.
 A month ago I lost a part of me, beacause I lost you.

And to me it feels like it was just yesterday and yet at the same time it feels like its been longer, I guess some days just seem longer, they run into eachother and I don't really see the difference between one day or another. Your daddy and I still havent been able to put your crib away, and its funny because we didnt even get to get a mattress or crib bedding for it. Its just an empty crib. In a way thats how I feel:empty. My arms are empty because I can't hold you. Empty beacuse I won't hear you call me mommy. Empty because I wont have any 'first' with you. I miss you so much it hurts. I don't really look at the pictures and videos that I have of you and not because I dont want to but beacuse I'm afraid that if I look at them to often I wont be able to get up and continue on with life. And you know I can't really do that, I have your sister to take care of, she misses you alot too. She always talks about you and when we go and visit you she tells you about her day. What she did in school, what she had for lunch. I love both you and your sister so much. Emmaliese I hope that up in heaven you are well taken care of. That you are able to feel how much you are loved and missed. You will always be a part of me, and everyone who was lucky enough to get to meet you. I want to thank you because everyone tells me how strong and brave I am and you know what I owe it to you. You tought me what it is to be brave and strong. You hung on to life for a whole month and one week. You fought a tought battle and gave it your all. you never gave up, you hung on till the very end when your body just couldn't take anymore machines, and needles and medicine. I mean how many people are on sedation and morphine 24/7 and still give the nurses a run for their money. I remember how even with a sedation drip they still had to give you extra sedation so you could go to sleep and let the ventilator due its job. Like nurse Helen said "Emmaliese is one tough cookie". And you were baby girl, don't you ever doubt that. Remeber you did pull out your breathing tube once. That was a scary time for me, I walked into the room with your sister to see you and all I see is nurses and doctors surrounding your little bed, thats when they explained to me that you had to be reintubated cuz you pulled your  tube out! So I'm sure that your are giving the man upstairs a run forn his money too :)
Emmaliese I want you to know that Mommy loves you and that I will never forget you. I am so grateful for the precious time that I got to spend with you and for all that you tought me. Everytime I see the sun shine, see a flower bloom,the color pink, a rainbow, a butterfly, feel the wind, hear your sister's laugh, anytime I see or hear anything that is good and beautiful I will think of you. You are helping me to keep going and to see the good in life. Your memory will do that for me. I am blessed to have been your mommy. I love you Emmaliese, may you always watch over all that love you.
Mommy loves you Emmaliese.


  1. What beautiful words in honor of your precious baby girl... I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the journey, all too well... I could write many words here... but most importantly want to say you are not alone. There's so many of us out in this great big world and supporting and encouraging each other is an honor for me to do. My thoughts and prayers for you and your sweet family. Much love, Lori

    1. Thank you, it has been a great help to know that I am not alone.And that there are great friends like you to listen to me when I need to voice my pain and thoughts. And please know that I am here for you and all the other angel mommies.Hugs Mily.